Editor’s Note: I will only be using 5e materials as those are the materials that I currently hold in my possession and use for my 5e campaign.

The Gelatinous Cube, Pg. 242

Oh the lovely gelatinous cube, you are one of my favorites… in the same way I prefer margarine over butter. It’s not meant to be a good thing, and you certainly are not. However, you deserve your moment in the spotlight, as 99% of the time all players will just see you, ignore you, and you are left alone… waiting for some form of human contact. Never to see it, never to feel it. Sad face.

What It Is:

According to the Monster Manual, it is part of the Ooze family, a group of seemingly sentient jellies that “thrive in dark, shunning areas of bright light and extreme temperatures.” It is basically a large block of ooze that is in the shape of a cube that is a light blue color and usually is seen with bones and old armor within it.

It has two actions that it can use: Pseudopod (a melee weapon attack that does 3d6 acid damage) and Engulf (a move that apparently only allows the cube to suck someone in itself up to its maximum movement speed during its turn. Even then, the players has to make a fairly simple Dex save to get the fuck out of the way).

WTF?: Most oozes kill their prey in the slowest imaginable way: assumed boredom due to being stuck in the worst snot bubble imaginable. It is the stupidest monster to have in any situation, whether it is a dungeon crawl or an actual sandbox campaign. Seriously, ask any of the players in my campaign. They will tell you that’s it’s stupid as fuck. It’s such a terrible character that when it was encountered in the second floor of the dungeon crawl the group was in, they were quick to notice it didn’t go after them and they left it there. 450 XP points were left there because it wasn’t worth the effort in wasting the time necessary to kill the thing.

It only moves 15 ft, and every player can just use a ranged weapon or spell to kill it. The only plus side is that it is hard to see and you have to roll a good perception check to notice it. There is also the high level of hit points that it has at its base, but then again the AC of it is very low.It’s hard to find a reason to use the cube for any purpose other than losing a bet with your players and being forced to use it.

Every Monday, I will bring you the stupidest D&D monsters that I can find in the Monster Manual as well as any other supplemental manuals that I come across and enjoy.

Make sure to check Fridays for the best monsters from the D&D materials.