Episode 101: The Night of No Tomorrow

The introduction is useful as it explains that the party members came to be because they decided to ride a “Dungeons and Dragons Ride” at their local amusement park. I can only assume they were at Disneyland, before Disney’s takeover of Marvel, who produces this cartoon.

Now the first thing is first, the introduction does not INTRODUCE the characters’ names or anything, with only an animated Wallace Shawn helming the party as Dungeon Master. He’s not THE Dungeon Master, he is just known as Dungeon, with an apparent last name of Master.

The Dungeon Master explains to six stereotypical kids (let’s call them the Animated Breakfast Club, because seriously, they are), who have no names during the introduction other than: Ranger, Barbarian, Wizard, Thief, Cavalier, and Acrobat. And don’t forget Uni, the dwarf unicorn who will surely not be the annoyance that it appears to be.

The episode is called The Night of No Tomorrow and was written by Mark Evanier.

The first scenes post introduction are of the six party members, lead by the Ranger, climbing up a massive mountain. I say mountain as I haven’t a clue to what kind of organic rock formation this could be. So this nondescript organic rock face is being climbed. The Barbarian has apparently become fast friends with the useless unicorn, named Uni, as it makes sense: the Barbarian is a freaking 8 year old blonde haired child.

The Acrobat learns that she can echo when she reaches the top of the mountain. I want to say something about the ethnicity lineup for a second: the Acrobat is black. I assume she is black because her skin color is that of a black woman. And she is a woman. There is not a single black male in this party. I find that in the early 80’s the idea of showing racial minorities was limited to female ones, as they were far weaker than their male counterparts, and even FARTHER weaker than their white female contemporaries. I would also like to point out that the Acrobat is wearing savage-looking clothing of animal hides covering up her bosoms and no-no square. She is a black girl wearing an animal hide bra and panties. Just let that sink in a bit.

I’m pretty sure the Cavalier is some form of Hispanic/Latino, but the coloring makes him light enough to be considered white in the society of 1980’s America. Damn you Regan! I’m literally 45 seconds into the first episode and I am horribly shamed by how life was prior to my birth. Wait, the Cavalier MUST be some form of Asian. the facial features indicate this.

Oh snap! We get a name! The thief, who I’ve been referring to as Molly Ringwald in my mind is really named Sheila.

The usual banter of “Come on Sheila, we need to kill your brother as he keeps hogging the NES…” comes about being the Cavalier and Molly Ringwald. Then the damn unicorn decides to try echoing its voice, because his BFF the 8 year old Barbarian says he should. Only, nothing happens and they awaken a FUCKING MULTIPLE-HEADED DRAGON!? They’re literally level one characters, and they are dealing with a fucking dragon… a multiple-headed dragon. This is one session material right here.

It’s Tiama the Dragon! Wait, how do they know the name of it? Do they have a Pokédex I am unaware of? The Barbarian decides to go after it, as one would with Sheila saying “Don’t Bobby, she’s indestructible!” At least we learned the little shit’s name before he dies. The Ranger, unfortunately, saves him by shooting his glowing yellow arrow at his club and floating him away. Do arrows do that? What edition is this taking place with? Second? I’m seriously curious.

Bobby the Barbarian is saved by his sister who uses her cloak to turn invisible. She then lectures him on the value of sportsmanship and they drink a healthy glass of Ovaltine. In reality, she just says “Stop being a little shit, you shit fucker” and he just smiles and says “Oh sis!” Wallace the Dungeon Master appears and answer’s the Wizard’s question, “Where did you come from?” with the odd and vague answer of “Oh someplace between there and here.”

The DM informs the party they must travel to some city, where they might find something that will help them leave the D&D realm. We are also introduced to the antagonist of the series, Venger, the bat/snake/man beast guy who seems like a rejected Thunder Cats villain than anything else. The DM disappears behind a rock after offering advice on what to do, and with Sheila apparently worried, and the Cavalier stating “I hate when he does that!” Diana (we finally get the Acrobat’s name) finishes Sheila’s line with “We should go North!”

The party is then seen walking and complaining about how this is a waste of time (this sounds like every campaign party ever). The Cavalier gives us some insight to his life: he is apparently rich and would rather use his dad’s limo than walk, whle Bobby states he would rather trade the limo for a peanut butter and banana sandwich. The Wizard then offers to make food for them from his magic hat, with the Cavalier reminding him, “The last time you did that, you made wild turkeys appear.” The Wizard replies: “It’s not my fault my hat thought it was Thanksgiving.” He tries to make magical burgers appear and…. a live cow. “Gee, Presto, I think I like my burgers a little more well done than that” says Diana, and we learn two things: she’s picky, and the Wizard goes by the name Presto.

They decide to continue walking, finding Merlin’s Castle near by. After some confusion, they realize it’s up on some clouds and need to find a way up. Conveniently a ladder shows up (like in any D&D campaign)  and they make their ascent to the sky. The Cavalier’s name is revealed to be Eric when he quips about the castle being similar to his winter retreat up in the mountains (douche kid), wishing he was there right now. Presto replies with “We wish you were there too Eric.”

Already this party is working better together than the one in my campaign. Diana decides to pull out her growing/shrinking yard stick and pole vault past the clouds to get to the other side, unlocking Merlin’s drawbridge. There is no “Well, I can do this… or do that!” it’s merely, “Oh this is my thing”.

Merlin is pretty basic, and knows everything. He’s also petting a white rabbit. I don’t remember that being anywhere in the folklore, but fuck it. It’s not a big deal. Oh shit… Merlin reveals he is bald! I am not sure as to why this is necessary, but fuck it. It’s also revealed that Merlin repeats everything the DM has already said, annoying Bobby, and to a larger extent Eric.

Eric is seriously the smart ass of the bunch. I feel as though Eric was made merely to be some form of comic relief as well as a lesson on the dangers of being too rich in 1980’s society. Watch out, kids, if you have tons of money and get stuck with a group of poor people, you’re gonna have a bad time.

The dragon, Tiama, arrives at the doorstep of Merlin. It’s like “Oh hey, I’m late for tea Merl, but I’m he… OH SHIT, KIDS… GRAWAHAHAHAHA”

Bobby is saved by Merlin after trying to pick a fight with the dragon. The Ranger hits the dragon with various arrows, and we learn it is a female. Good to know I suppose? I suspect a pregnancy scare episode between her and Eric will be involved soon. You know, to teach the dangers of underage sex with dragons.

The group finds a dungeon (to which Merlin comments “Oh, the Dungeon… there is no escape” (How the fuck does he have a fucking dungeon in his cloud castle!?)) entrance and opens it, then Presto successfully casts a spell to make a carpet (he’s not really casting so much as pulling crap out of his hat) to cover the entrance to the dungeon. Diana taunts Tiama until she does a sweet triple back-hand spring up on the chandelier, causing the dragon to reach for her and fall into the dungeon. Diana exclaims, “Now that’s what I call teamwork!”

Sheila hands Merlin his rabbit, with Merlin replying “Oh, thank you, [this is verbatim] but it’s not a rabbit you dumb bitch, it’s a fucking hare… stay in school. Maybe you’ll learn the difference you dumb twat burger!” Merlin then thanks the party for saving “this old magician and his hare” and Bobby quips, “I thought you were supposed to live forever!” Merlin tells him (completely accurate): “No no my son, I’m 70 years young. The age at which I began searching for someone to begin teaching my secrets to.” Immediately he looks at Presto while seductively stroking his beard. Oh god. It’s gonna happen. Presto is going to be molested by an old man and this is all one giant “don’t talk to strangers” advertisement. Oh god!

Presto has two options: stay with Merlin and become a badass wizard, or stay with his party and be a shitty wizard. The rest of the party discuss their need to go to the town (which I now understand is called Helix), but they have to wait for Presto. Diana believes that Presto would never leave them, but Merlin suddenly states “Farewell, Presto has decided to leave you and hang out with me learning all my cool magic stuff!” (Verbatim of course). Presto reiterates this decision, with Diana and Sheila being confused as to why he would stay. Another teachable moment: they believe he left the party because they kept making fun of his shitty magic. Well, maybe he shouldn’t have been so shitty?

Back at the Castle, Presto is somewhat doubting his choice, with Merlin telling him to keep making dinner (he’s stirring a cauldron) as well as telling him they have to deal with Tiama, the dragon that’s locked in his dungeon. “How?” asks Presto. Merlin replies, saying “The answers to all questions are in this book” and walks away, apparently thinking a child isn’t going to be nosy about the whole all questions/answers thing he just brought up. Off course, Presto goes and takes a look.

Presto finds a way to get them all home, and starts making a potion to do just that. However, instead of using the Powdered Insect Wings, he uses the petrified Spider Eyeballs and conjures up ANOTHER FUCKING DRAGON!? Idiot.

Presto finds Merlin and says he’s sorry for doing what he did, but Merlin already knows. Merlin apparently switched the spells, causing the kid to use the wrong one in order to get the dragons up and running again to attack Helix. It turns out it’s not Merlin at all, but… VENGER! The antagonist! HAHAHA! Presto’s reaction is so fucking monotone when he says “Oh no.”

The town of Helix is filled with halflings it seems. The party is enjoying the festivities, with Bobby doing some batting practice with his club, and Sheila alongside Diana getting their fortunes told (apparently she is shitty, because not all creatures have magic in the realm), but she knows the dragons are coming back. The Ranger tells the town mayor guy that he doesn’t know why they are there, but good thing they got to meet Merlin. The Mayor is like “Dude, that guy has been dead for thousands of years, ever since he cast that wicked neat spell that sent the dragons packing.”

Oh shit! So, the DM mentioned that they would know Venger by his white hair a the beginning, and this shit comes full circle. Merlin was petting his white rabbit… but it’s actually a hare! Hare… hair… get it? Clever.

The party meets back up with Presto, and they give each other the information they need. Oh shit, Venger is there demanding their “weapons of power.” Bobby smacks his club on the ground, causing the books in the library to fall and trap him.

Presto and the Ranger start to make their potion and the rest of the party decides to release the dragon from the dungeon. Venger is apparently afraid of the dragon, and runs away like a little bitch. Presto conjures up the spell and saves the day.

Dungeon Master shows up out of nowhere with Presto’s hat and everyone is happy. They decide to go back to Helix, where Presto is regarded as a hero. Eric is annoyed because Presto stole his horse, so Presto makes him a steed to ride out of his hat… but it’s the same cow called upon earlier. Everyone has a good laugh and rides away with Eric and the cow. Just so we’re clear, the cow is female and is giving him seductive eyes. I don’t know if a cow can be regarded as seductive, but it’s sure as hell trying.

And with that, the episode is over… and I realized I have lost about 26 minutes of my life watching that. Oh well. I guess on to episode two.